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My son Freddie was born at 28 weeks and 6 days. We spent roughly ten weeks on NICU; which feels like a blur and a bad dream now. Through the weeks on the ward, nobody can tell you if your baby is going to be ok and you just have to be patient and keep going day after day. The uncertainty of it all can have a profound impact on your mental health, and for me it did.
We were offered help and support whilst on the unit, and I accepted it. For me however, the real impact on my mental health was felt after Freddie was discharged to go home and when we knew we no longer had the support of medical staff and nurses. I knew Freddie had reflux as he was being treated for it, and one night at home after we put him to bed I heard a small squeak so I jumped up to check on him. His mum told me to relax because she was sick of me being paranoid about him being okay and checking him every 20 seconds. But I checked on him regardless and to our horror, he’d stopped breathing. We had been taught how to clear his airways should this happen and get him breathing again so that’s what we did. This worry began on the NICU ward because it’s constant ups and downs, but I think it got worse when Freddie was discharged because that support of all the nurses and other medical staff isn’t there anymore.
Since that night in November 2023 until July 2024, I received counselling and had weeks and weeks off work because of lack of sleep, nightmares and what the counsellor described as “PTSD” due to constant 24/7 worry that my son wasn’t going to be alive in the morning. I’d literally stare at my son all night until 05:30 am until his mum woke up and was with him, and then I’d sleep in the morning. That way I’d know he always had a pair of eyes on him.
As I’m writing this it’s nearly a year to the day that Freddie was discharged and he’s gone from being a constant worry for me, to him crawling around trying to climb stairs and covering my TV in handprints. So, I think he’s okay now. My advice to other parents on the unit is not to focus on the past or the future whilst in NICU. Go day by day and be patient. I didn’t take my own advice, but that’s the advice I can give now I know how it feels.
