'I started to blame myself for Jon being born prematurely' – Marika's story

I was 28 weeks pregnant when my waters ruptured slightly in January 2022. I woke up at 4am on a Monday morning and found a small wet patch in my bed; I thought it was pregnancy related incontinence so I wasn’t immediately worried. But I did call the emergency number on my birth pack after an hour, and was told to go to the Royal Cornwall hospital.

I woke my husband (Thomas) and explained what had happened so far. It was the only day during my entire pregnancy that our car had no fuel; so I remember stopping at a fuel station and joking with Thomas that we would both be back to work by the afternoon.

When we got to the hospital, I was examined and we were told I was already 3 centimetres dilated.

My world just collapsed. I hid my face with my hands and screamed, I felt terrified,
embarrassed and ashamed all at once. Out of nowhere, I stopped crying and went
into survival mode. I needed to know what would happen next and how I could keep
my baby safe. A doctor said it was likely our baby would come that day or the next,
and that I would have to be moved to a different hospital because all the beds were
occupied; at this point I was struggling to believe it was all real.

So I was given infusions to stop my growing contractions and an ambulance was
called to take me to another hospital that night.

The next day, I was told that the likelihood of getting an infection was high because I was still 3cm dilated. It made me feel dirty so I showered everyday. After three days in hospital, our baby felt so heavy and I was certain that he was coming. But another examination confirmed that there was no change.

On the fourth day, I had unbearable stomach and back pain which was caused by sepsis. We were told that our baby needed to be born to reduce the risk of him being infected and that a C-Section would be safest; I had already made peace with all of this.

The C-Section was successful and overall, a positive experience; Jon was born at 11:45pm on January 29th weighing just under 3 pounds. I lost less blood than expected and was cleared to see Jon a few hours later in the neonatal unit.

I quickly had to come to terms with not being Jon’s primary caregiver, and that I wasn’t going to be able to do most of the early care that I had learnt through baby classes.

Thomas had his first cuddle with Jon on the 1st February and Jon opened his eyes for the first time the next day.

It was then that I became very anxious; I started to blame myself for Jon being born prematurely. I would catch myself Googling late at night about premature births and infections; I knew I needed support and answers to how this had happened. But there was infection beforehand, no COVID. I don't smoke, I don't drink, it wasn't a twin pregnancy; the typical things associated with a preterm birth – I had none of it. To this day, I still don’t know what caused my waters to rupture.

I didn’t want to move hospitals again so I asked different nurses and doctors if we could stay at the second hospital; each person said we could stay and we were shown their parent rooms while I was still a patient. On Wednesday 9th February, I did my daily routine of having breakfast and a shower. I came back to my bed and found a voicemail from a neonatal nurse saying Jon was going to be transported back to the Royal Cornwall hospital within the next couple of hours.

I immediately went into shock. My first thought was to grab as much stuff of mine as possible and get to Jon. I held on to his incubator and asked for an explanation. The nurse apologised and explained that it wasn’t their protocol; that I should have been given notice sooner that my baby needed to be moved. It was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. My mental health was poor and I truly believed that if I let go of Jon’s incubator, he would be taken away from me.

The transport team arrived, and I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. Thankfully the transport team agreed to wait for Thomas to get to the hospital before they drove Jon away. I managed to calm down and the hospital discharged me so I could follow Jon in our car to the Royal Cornwall hospital.

I had nothing else left to give, I couldn’t remember the last time I felt safe and I knew we still had a long journey before he could take Jon home. Whilst at the Royal Cornwall hospital, I befriended nurses and other parents, settled into my own parent room and referred myself to Talking Therapies.

We eventually took Jon home on 17th March, a month before his due date. Later on I made a complaint and was told that the team from the previous hospital had read my letter. It was acknowledged that my husband and I should not have been told we could stay to begin with, and I agreed with that; being heard felt good.

During this whole experience, nobody mentioned Bliss to us. It’s hard looking back and knowing that it would have been easier if I had Bliss to talk to. Jon is now two and a half and has no complications from his premature birth. His speech and language is just phenomenal, he loves Lightning McQueen and making dens out in our local woods. And recently, our family (Jon, Thomas, our newest baby boy and I) completed the 62 Miles in May challenge and raised £445 for Bliss.

If you have a neonatal story you’d like us to share, get in touch on [email protected].