“I cried every day as I felt like if I wasn't in the NICU I was letting my newborn down.” – Rebecca’s Story #NeonatalFeelings

My daughter was born at 34 weeks and was only 3lbs14oz, so she had to stay in NICU. We were happy when she was taken out of her incubator the day after she was born, and soon transferred into a normal cot, as she could hold her own body temperature.

However, we had to stay on the unit for the first week and a half she could only eat through a feeding tube. While she started breastfeeding eventually, we were in for another week as she was slow to gain weight. We were then moved to an overnight stay in the flats attached to the NICU unit, but unfortunately she lost weight and hence we couldn't go home just yet.

This was particularly hard as I had a two year old at home who I barely saw through the time on the unit because she couldn’t stay on the unit long and got bored quickly. I'd had an emergency C-section due to pre-eclampsia. I was really ill, and the fact that I was largely on my own so much was really challenging.

Due to my own condition post the delivery I could only spend a couple of hours in NICU at a time before having to go back to the ward for medication and food. I cried every day as I felt like if I wasn't in the NICU I was letting my newborn down, but if I wasn't at home I was letting my eldest down. Nothing I was doing felt like the right choice.

I missed my eldest’s first day at nursery as I was in hospital, and every time I saw her she seemed a bit older and I felt she needed me less. During the beginning of the stay I felt like I couldn't get involved in my newborn's care, as I didn't want to over-step. It wasn't until one of the nurses said that I could wash her, change her, dress her, and learn to do the feeds that I felt like I was actually being a mum. When we did the overnight stays in the on-site flats, I was terrified, even though I'd previously had a baby. Having the nurses to do so much of the care and monitoring my baby made me doubt my ability to be a mum.

My husband struggled too, as he was at home most of the time looking after our eldest, he wasn't able to spend as much time in NICU as he would have liked. We luckily have friends with kids who were happy to take my eldest to soft play for a few hours, or take her for food, so he could come and spend time with us in NICU.

The staff were lovely, and would be really empathetic about my predicament, especially having my two year old at home. I was offered counselling, but they said it's more useful after you've been discharged a while. We were discharged on my two year old's 3rd birthday. My daughter is nearly one now, and you'd never know she was a preemie. My three year old still needs me as much as she ever did. And our NICU stay has turned into a distant memory, despite how raw, scary, and traumatic it felt at the time.