“I broke down at the steps of the hospital after leaving him behind” – Lucy’s story

My waters broke when I was just 30 weeks pregnant – we were in the middle of a heat wave and it was the end of June 2011. This was my first baby and I was understandably anxious, still unsure of what to expect. After arriving at the hospital, I was showing no signs of labour, but a scan showed that the baby was lying transverse – they explained there was a high risk of cord prolapse and that I would need to remain in hospital until baby arrived. We knew at that point that I was unlikely to carry until full term.

The hospital staff were amazing, and the following day, they took me for a tour of the NICU unit at Good Hope Hospital so I could meet the lovely nurses in there and get some reassurance as to what to expect.

George arrived just 2 weeks later, weighing only 3lb 7oz. He struggled to start with and had to be resuscitated and then placed on a CPAP machine. I was told that he may need to be transferred to higher level facility during the night, without me being able to go with him. The thought was terrifying. Luckily, George managed to find the strength to start breathing independently later that night and was able to remain with me at Good Hope.

The first couple of days were hard. The other mums around me on the ward had their babies next to them. Each time I wanted to see George, I had to get into a wheelchair and be taken down to another level, where the NICU was based. In between visits, I was frantically trying to express tiny droplets of milk into a little syringe. George hadn’t yet developed his sucking reflex, so he was being fed through an NG tube. After two days, the inevitable happened and I was sent home – without my little boy. I just broke down at the steps of the hospital after leaving him behind – I never imagined I would have to leave there without him in my arms.

Every morning afterwards, I went straight into the hospital first thing and spent the day next to George in his incubator. Every time we had skin to skin, I need two nurses to help lift him out, due to the amount of wires and machines he was attached to. I would tuck him inside my shirt, next to my chest, covered in blankets, and watch him sleep for hours. I was able to get involved with some elements of his care, such as changing his tiny nappies and changing his tiny little baby grows. Every evening, I would go home without him – it never got any easier.

As George grew stronger, he decided he didn’t like the NG tube. He realised he could grab this and pull it out – and he did constantly! I would arrive at the NICU each morning, and I could hear him screaming from the other end of the corridor. I knew it was due to him having to have the tube out back in.

After three weeks we were told he could move from his incubator and into a cot – this was the best news. His grandparents were finally able to come in and give him a long-awaited cuddle. Eventually, he was able to feed properly, and with much support from the neonatal nurses, he gained enough strength and weight to come home with us.

Each day was a panful struggle, physically and emotionally, but I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything – all I could think of was how George was fighting every day and I had no right to worry about myself. I was encouraged regularly to get support by the neonatal staff and as they had specialist midwives on staff to give counselling support. I was also signposted to Bliss. I declined each time. This was a mistake.

Whilst everything went well for George, and he was able to recover and come home, I was left with deep emotional wounds that I did not treat. I didn’t treat them until I became pregnant again two years later with my youngest son. The rush of anxiety and emotion I experienced was overwhelming. I was terrified that I would have another premature baby and go through the same experience again, and I wasn’t strong enough.

I took control early on in this pregnancy and sought mental health support and counselling, and it was the best thing I ever did. The best advice I can give any Mum – or Dad – in this situation, is to prioritise your own mental health as well. The support is there, through the hospital and Bliss, so please don’t feel the same guilt I did at taking it up – your baby needs you to be strong as well.

George is now a healthy and happy 13 year-old. He has been left with asthma and epilepsy, but nothing has ever held him back from achieving his dreams. He is a real performer and has just starred in his first ever feature film. He also just started his Duke of Edinburgh Award and is due to receive a Gold Scout Award. So yes, being premature is hard, it’s a struggle, a fight for survival and more heartache than you think you can possibly manage – but it is also bloody worth it to watch them grow into incredible young adults, despite those initial challenges.